My Voiceless Screaming

Bukan aku tak mau bercengkrama di tengah rumah, tapi dorongan hati ini begitu besar untuk segera kembali ke depan laptop. Sebuah jendela ajaib yang menghubungkan duniaku dan duniamu. Sebuah jalan ajaib yang membuatku bisa melepas rinduku. tak mengapa kamu sedikit terucap, tapi aku menikmati setiap kata yang keluar dari mulutmu. Bahkan tanpa terucappun, aku merasa tak sendiri hanya dengan duduk disini, di tempat ini, setiap saat, setiap hari. Mungkin aku bisa saja menonton tontonan menarik hati, tapi hakikatnya aku hanya berusaha membenamkan dalam hati, keyakinan bila engkau ada di jendela ajaib disebrangku. Kamu dengan kegiatanmu sendiri, dan aku disini dengan celoteh, tontonan, doa dan keluh kesah rindu kelu dihati. Ah sayang... entah bagaimana lagi aku harus tunjukkan betapa dalam cinta ini... beberapa kali aku berusaha diam dan menyelami. Menurut tulisan para pujangga dengan embel-embel jurnal dan beberapa pendekar ODB di youtube, cara membedakan manik dengan rindu sejati adalah den

I may far away from you But trust me, I am hugging you Hope you can sleep tight And my present can calm you Watching you slept dear Through magic mirror Hope my image dear Drive away evils around you Sweet dream my lovely My heart ache while you are uneasy Cold morning coming dear Hope you can feel the warmth without body I love you more then love Hope my love warmth enough to hug you

Yes, I got problem with my head both head actually now But what can say? Its who I am The past been proved are true I'am just the way they told me too But Its okay Its who I am :) So, If i became "welcome" on your mat Being spit and step on Its okay too Its who I am Worry not and don't get me wrong I am proud of who I am Grateful for what I am If its time for you to leave, just leave I'm not the subject of your simpathy And I wont hold you to keep beside me Its okay :) I know who I am :)

There was a sand castle From little tinny To up high like a hill With waves keep hitting it, make it no castle at all Some said it becomes a coral reef Other said it becomes simply sand But one thing for sure Many creatures living and enjoy happily on it One come and go many times Sand castle always the same Thought storm nor bright day come Its always the same Only few who know it few who see it few who understand it It was a sand castle, hit by the waves many times Sea is its tears the wind is its breath sound of the waves is its heart And the joy of creature playing on it, is its happiness Without them... There is no sand castle at all

My beast was lose And I hurt anyone who close It's my habbit To make your pain deep Hurt is done And it can't be undone I'm sorry To make you all in misery Now you know the risk How nasty I am could be Few who can bear me Few who can reach me I am sorry too for those who insist beside me and thank you to understand me V'z whfg ab bar...

Dear Blog, Loe tau? Udah lama banget gw gak merasakan rasa yang senikmat ini. Angkara yang meledak-ledak, kepasrahan yang membuat jagat membuat antidotenya untuk berontak secara brutal. Kursi yang melenting kutendang tanpa ada alasan memberikan kepuasaan. Atau si kuma yang tiba2 seperti melihat monster dan lari tunggang langgang ketika aku berjalan mendekatinya muahahahahah. Ya gw, si angkara murka sedang berkuasa dan aku membiarkannya. Aku muak dengan segalanya, aku murka bagai angkara sang dasamuka yang sukar terbendung tapi menikmatinya. Terbangun dari tidur, jongkok berusaha menahan letupan emosi yang akhirnya meletup dalam tendangan ninja tak berbayang, "ciaaaat", dan kursi kecil melenting tanpa alasan dan aku tersenyum sinis dengan puas. "Kau tidak ada apa-apanya kursi!" dan sang istri pura2 tidak melihat dan berusaha menjaga jarak, berpura-pura tidak ada apa-apa seperti biasa. Fuck you, who care. Kuhela gas motor sekuat yang kubisa, sayang motor bobrok u

Dear blog, Iya ini gw, gak pake english2xan, grammarnya ngaco, susah pula bikinnya. Kebetulan lagi capek juga mo mikir, iya, mikir aja udah capek, gimana mo melakukan hal yang lebih serius lainnya? Padahal makan med udah, sampe mulai bosen makan med, tidur tetep kali ini susah, gak tau resepnya dirubah lagi jangan2.. Berasa jadi kelinci percobaan.... Si dewa penolong yang gw sangat berbahagia ketika bertemu pertama kali dengan beliau, kok lama2 tingkahnya membosankan seperti ucapan template robot yang gitu-gitu aja. But well, gpplah kek template robot juga, paling gak gw bisa rasain kok how care he is with my situation. Jangankan elo2 pada yang mungkin serba salah ma orang kek gw, mungkin si abang dokter juga lama-lama serba salah ma gw. Atau bisa jadi kucing gw juga serba salah ma gw, atau laptop gw juga kalo bisa punya perasaan mungkin bisa aja serba salah ma gw. Jadi ya sebetulnya yang salah ya gw sendiri, dengan otak sengklek alias gesrek kombinasi dengan super sensian amit-amit

What should I do if I tired of living?

Numb Dunno what to do My heart is fine No sad or beat up or nothing But I'm so lonely I called the one that I love Ofc she is the first one that I think of But surely its not the right time Less then a minute and off Called my mom She instantly talking Everything I'm just listening And off.. I started to sad and looking who I need to call I am thinking if I stand up on the bridge Jumping to the river, will He forgive me? Ofc no... If I am in hell, will it forever? Hm... My heart is fine, no hurt or anything.. But cutting my vein in my hand seem interesting One last call To the tree of wisdom She surprised, she said she is working with her colleague in her home I just want to hear her voice i said Less then a minute and off So well... Dear blog To you I share my burden again With my  bear keep trying to stay around me I just dont know if my med work on me Its not a poem, its only phrases divided to several blocks Silly I am, wishing to make a

When I only talk to one And she just silence I felt drifted to space Flying without gravity Except that the empty is not the air The empty is here inside When you miss her so much And you can't do anything except wait An astray dog like me Can't expect more except mercy But don't get me wrong I am happy with this only Can you imagine when your wet fur touched by the hand of the beauty? Can you imagine when you are in hungry a beautiful one feed your hungry? Can you imagine when you re in cold, a beautiful one hug you tightly? I can't expect more... This already to good to be true I knew i am lonely I knew I am missing her daily But one thing I asked to the One and Only Please don't wake me up from this dream and make it reality V'z whfg ab bar..

Known as Tree of Wisdom Turn out now its dried No inspiration Still live but almost down I came to the tree But the tree is no difference like me Except that its still perfect and beautiful While I am damaged, old and always misunderstood Keep stay still and be patience is not my style I felt like loosing the will But I do confuse too I have no clue and dunno what to do There should be a way to hack our life to a better way I love her so much I need to break the ice and out from my comfort hive Come on brain, think! God damn! Think brain think! I know you got defect But I don't care! Think! V'z whfg ab bar...

With dogs in both of us Its a matter of seconds we hurt each other Our love tested, our love heal it And we are sorry each other We should admit our road is rocky Not as easy like common ppl should be Can't openly express our love Cant openly say the world how our love One or two who know it is good enough Then nothing at all, right? We should fight more to have Our happiness that we are wanted so much Thanks for the prayer to the wind goes by Thanks to everyone who wishing us great day With love as our foundation that we kept to fight Hope we can overcome any challenges a head The worst part is when we miss each other Can't do nothing except look each other Saying how we love each other Still can't lesser the pressure inside on how much I love her Hufh... daily routine that maybe bored for everyone who read But it motivate us to move forward and ready for our goal a head From the time I opened my eyes I miss her.. I love her.. and hope I am not

Rain falling so heavy Make the Sunday morning not easy But I felt so warmth inside Laying on my thick fur of my beast We yawn each other only one small emoticon given from her but its worth then anything I do love her The which's liquour taking into actions i am flying high to the heaven I kept pushing to write my words though all I can think of is I love her Thanks for the wind, devil, bear, or anything who company me I am just happy that you are here with me While i staring to her peace face of my sleepy dark angel I will do my best motivated by your dream to keep forward and fight the hell V'z whfg ab bar

Its not tequila that I am crave of it Its only a simple recipe from the witch My head spinning and dizzy My body stumble upon occasionally Yesterday break down point me something I'm not ready and too rush face the world openly I dunno if I can make it, but a fighter like me refuse to stay still I will find another way to make it I heard voices whispered by the wind I heard sorry with cried from long lost friend What is done is done dear I just smile and look up challenges a head dear It took whole day to recover Talking to strangers is not easy like other Most people think its a progress For me its freaking me out like facing a beast I wont stay still I will fight to have my happiness with my dark angel beside I love her so much I will do my best to keep her safe and bright V'z whfg ab bar

Thought I am ready Talk to the world lovely It was an easy chat with my best friend But end up I cried worry at the end I dunno if its so hard to open again Only to hear his suggestion, it made me tremble Only to imagine talking to others, I'm shaking What happen to me?  I just don't know me anymore So, what next then? If simple words already hurt me Its not about prestige or dignity Its about me who is like a bundle of meat Easy to bleed Waiting for extinct What should I do then If I'm not ready to face the world? "99% business can be succeeded by facing the people", he said So, am I already fail? What will happen to me if everyone leave me? What will happen to me if I only a burden for everyone near me? At least now you or me understand, why I or other leave each others Its better to be alone then hurt each others So now dear my Dark Angel... If someday you have a better one Just leave me and I will be okay As long as you are happy

"Mi, I want this to be over...", I said. "What do you mean to be over?", she said "I want to die..." "Well, don't die here, just go to Palestine there", she said. I shocked and wandering.. "What do you think? Do you think I just go there and smack Israeli Soldier and wait till they shoot me?" "Well, at least you will have syahid over there...." Her answer.. I dunno why made me so useless... "But syahid mean we did jihad, has purpose and died when we fight for it. If we don't have any goal, just go over there and smack on Israeli's soldier, its just an act of stupidity, what is the different with I cut my hand here?" And the conversation continues on topic of Islamic martyr... "So.. I am not important for you?" She seem not ready with this question, and she answered, "well, your daughter needs you". "So you don't need me, only need my money?", she just laugh.

He made his ritual Dancing la la la He said I am okay And I'm too la la la He mixed a liquor In his big bowl With his happy song Singing that I am okay But it seem he lied something That he doesnt want me to hear His new formula Made me sleeping WTF, does he want me to be a sleeping beauty? Where a prince come and kisses my lips then I can wake up? God damn, i don't wanna be a gay! But well, I kinda enjoy it, everything looks blur and fly And I kept dancing la la la V'z whfg ab bar

I knew you are always around I can't touch yet can't talk But you do know I love her so much Does it really matter? When the wind blow pass through like lightning? Sure did really matter Since the kite wont fly without Dear Wind I am glad you still touching my cheek While I am still waiting for her The one that I love so much Indeed she hurt me Indeed her love is not it used to be But what can I say I love her so much A volcano sometime erupts An ocean has its tsunami A wind has its tornado A bee has its sting I do understand all And hope others understand me That I love my dark angel so much Just like my bear now who keep persistent to jump on my lap V'z whfg ab bar

I though I wont missing you After I hug you How come I still missing you When I hold you in my arm I can smell your hair And feel the warmth of your skin How come I still missing you And my heart still blue I look at your image now Here in my mind How come I still missing you Somebody pour on my wound with sand I am tortured by loving you And I am addicted with it How come I still missing you And I dunno what to do Your lips are sweet Your breath like fresh morning Your heart beat calm me down Your eyes made me warmth I still remembered all How come I still missing you? V'z whfg ab bar

Doc said I'm better now I nod and smile If he knew in the inside He would surprise what I hide I am still take a heavy breath sometime I am still missing her sometime I am still feeling lonely sometime I still go that tremor sometime I am so missing her all the time I am afraid to loosing her most of the time lol But well, I knew who I am Its just a miracle the fact that she still care I will just stay here with care Cause I love her, what can I say V'z whfg ab bar

When the heart stop talking When the hand stop to write When the brain stop to think Cause of the darkness of the shit thing Cloudy day ahead I knew Your wings destroyed and you are so low I would lend my wings for you Too bad mine are broken too But one thing for sure dear I will do my best for you Cause if you destroyed I will be destroyed too I know i cant do much I know that shit thing is hard But I wish we could survive And you could fly again high V's whfg ab bar...

Yes.. I managed to survive... And yes I ve been saved again.. She was known by me, but yet she is different With her red hair she burns the world With her sharp eyes she slain the heart with her teeth she bites so cruel With her words she is so nasty Cloudy became bright Rainy became sunny With the warmth she offer And chaos when she is in furry Strike from the arrows, right through my heart Make me stunning and fall a part This is so beautiful sight She is so ignorant but yet show loving art She came when I am falling down No matter she tried hard to hurt me I am still falling to her heart down But she is no more the Angel She just the dark angel after all Once my devil told me, "its me to figure it out what love that I felt to her" And at the end, I knew I cant stop loving her The feeling when you want to sacrifice anything for her The feeling that you are willing being hurt for her The feeling that as long she is happy, i am happy too I am tog

Welcome back dear my old friend Been very long time I miss you so much I am very glad that you came Though I have emotion no more Though my heart was blunt Turn out I still can feel you The warmth from the blood that burst from my wound Yes I know my place And yes I know where I belong Yes I know I'm the one who sick And yes I know I'm the one who seek I am happy dear Come my sadness Make my face warm with the tears I hug you tight the hurt and fear Good bye the light on sun rise Good bye the light on sun set I knew from beginning Its just another dream, just like it used to be V'z whfg ab bar...

Everyone loves her With her shiny beautiful face With her friendly lovely heart Taking care all creatures around her Everyone loves her With her shiny brain With her boots and whip Got so many fans around her While me just the unknown No one and no exist Push ppl to the surface While I'm still hide without face But worry not I don't care with my existence As long as I have my purpose I will just keep march and be a bos With a broken wings With my dried blood all over the body Sword in my hand and hole in my chest I used to be not to be seen Too tired to be acknowledged   Let them all to hurt and leave me V'z whfg ab bar...

Dear God, the One and All Mighty My stomach so hurt But not the stomach that put me in agony The stomach that make my heart almost dying Dear God, the One and Only I know I am just no one and lot of sins Please allow me to just to be lonely and take away this feeling Dear God, the King of all kings Let my dark angel be happy With whatever path she wanna be Please take care of her and don't let her sorry Dear God, the Only One that I Worship I am begging you to make me stop loving her So I don't need to be worry of anything will happen to her And not to be jealous for anyone who is with her And for my devil I know I have made her upset Please let her finish any obstacles a head And hope Your blessing always with her V'z whfg ab bar...

My stomach in pain I dunno why it made my heart pain more Stiff on my back I dunno why it made my heart pain more The silence of both I dunno why it added to my pain I did mistakes I dunno who i am Afraid to write Afraid to do anything The Friday is end I am so sad I'm still living V'z whfg ab bar...

Today is Friday My stomach hurt so much last night, and do hope I die Today is Friday Sleep is hard and I pray that I die Today is Friday I was so happy to know this day I could be rest in peace And leave all of the pieces Too bad I am still live I am too tired to make together all the pieces V'z whfg ab bar...

A beautiful flower asked for protection from a defected ant An ant that has half of his head and ugly as fuck The ant like having a dream Ofc it welcomes the flower inside its home But it realize who is it anyway Compete with beautiful bee and butterfly that can fly? How come a defected weirdo ant like it can protect the flower Against those perfect bee and butterfly who want the flower? Let alone to protect the flower The ant itself hard to take care its own The defected ant thought can be safe under the flower's thorn But how come it can protect the flower from the threat while its just a clown? Love for the ant is like a dream For having someone beside him is just a myth it seem The ant tried to explain to the flower and the flower just push it to the corner The ant knows where its belong Its just a matter of time the flower will say good bye and so long An ant that has half of his head and ugly as fuck Wanting to has someone beauty like others jus