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Light Conversation

"Mi, I want this to be over...", I said.
"What do you mean to be over?", she said
"I want to die..."
"Well, don't die here, just go to Palestine there", she said.
I shocked and wandering.. "What do you think? Do you think I just go there and smack Israeli Soldier and wait till they shoot me?"
"Well, at least you will have syahid over there...."

Her answer.. I dunno why made me so useless...

"But syahid mean we did jihad, has purpose and died when we fight for it. If we don't have any goal, just go over there and smack on Israeli's soldier, its just an act of stupidity, what is the different with I cut my hand here?"
And the conversation continues on topic of Islamic martyr...

"So.. I am not important for you?"
She seem not ready with this question, and she answered, "well, your daughter needs you".
"So you don't need me, only need my money?", she just laugh.
"So... you will marry again if I'm not exist in this world?", I asked...
"why should I? Its troublesome to take care a husband. But because of the reward, even its tiring, I just did that..".... I felt something in my heart...
"So.. you think that take care of me is that tiring for you?", I asked again with little joke of mimic to cover my awkward..
"Well, that's the fact.. bla bla bla", I cant remember anymore what she said...
I get up from her side, and leave her out of the room... and said, "so, I'm not that important for you, and you only need of the money, and you are tired to take care of me?.. hufh.. " I said that with a joke.. and she just laugh.....

Then now I am here... wandering around... I didn't felt that hurt or anything, for her its only a joke. but for me...  I just don't know what to do. Well, just live day by day with my dark angel...

Self happiness for us is a myth, we can only feel it from the smile of the others.
It's okay :)

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