My Voiceless Screaming

I kept thinking and thinking so hard on how to prove my love to you... And I am sinking now in the ocean of truth that I love you... A big stone of love right on top of my chest make me hard to breath Dark all around me and light only come from your face, I am suffer to death I wish I could talk more but I can't I wish I could make a beautiful poem, I failed In my fever and cold, I'm just thinking of you In this heavy rain, I'm just hoping to hold you We are dancing under the dark shadow The shadow that never surrender and let you go You are insist to dance with the shadow All I can do just believe in you and let go At the end, i just put my smile on my face I give up my life to the destiny Hope i can go home and take a rest With you laying right beside me But I kept sinking and sinking With the hurt inside me I kept sinking and sinking To the deep ocean with my black dog right beside me

I thought I am loosing you I already made a poem of you You silly bastard You are back and thanks God You after all just a bear who cant stand of hunger lol

At the first time I met you Wounded, thin and so small, I take care of you You got bigger and I underestimate you I wounded and I be taken care by you Dear my friend, years we are together For me you are my brother Facing many difficulties together You always make me feeling better Dear my friend, do you remember how hurt i am when someone tortured you? I taken care of you, and you lay down over there weak Then we gone through of it You let me heal you till you are fit and sweet Dear my friend.. Do you remember how many places we both been through? The rocky road that we faced? You always be there accompany and be strong for me Dear my friend... In my sadness, in my sorrow, in my tears You calm me down with your furr You always know when I need you Dear my friend... I am sorry that sometime I'm not letting you out to the wild Afraid of loosing you The only friend that I got who close to me is you I am sorry that sometime I harsh to you Occupied with my

It seem quite normal Day so cloudy and dark like used to be But I felt like dying, crawl.. When you are not near me So dear wind We just hugged each other Then tears falling down She far away make me sobber Up and down like it used to be Tired of fighting, thinking when it gonna end Everyday trying to be happy But you and me know it only happen when we blend Just keep breathing dear You and me... Just keep hoping dear Happy ending we can see

The sun so bright its light glowing to my face I am just about to wake up With knife stabed in my chest But somehow, I didnt suffer No blood from my wound like it used to be I just felt numb Take out the knife, I feel so empty Ohh I do love to talking But dunno to whom i can sharing I am tired to keep hurting I am bored to dying I am so lazy today to do anything I am so lazy just to breathing Strike come so early I know I never be ready Closing my eyes, expect the warmth from the wind Touching my face, ssh me to stop talking But now I am just another coward who afraid of changing Better to stay lonely and enjoy what happening This gonna be a long lonely day Oh well.. What can I say I have her and she always stay But my black dog is here, and put her away

What's the meaning of life? To keep breathing every day and walk through day by day? Watch the cloud moving, and the rain wash the earth? Fill the emptiness with anything you could find? Some trying to conquer it with their last breath Some trying to live the life to the fullest, with sorrow Some trying to find a meaning of it till they close their eyes Other just live just the way it is, keep walking day by day Flute can be heard from dense air Cheer of the day can be heard when you finally can meet her You are trying to hug her, but you realize you just grab an empty air So my dearest wind, as you can see that's how life is So what is life... cold, empty, dark and sorrow? Or lonely, heart breaking and low Nah... life is life... where we can cry and laugh Dark cloud is moving, rain is about to pour I am just waiting to meet her, to make my life has a meaning There it is.. my life is her Life has no meaning without her

Dua sejoli bercanda ria, satu sang bidadari, satu orang sang nestapa. Berlari berkejaran, tertawa tralala, indah duniawi bagai surga di dunia. Bergulung2 dua sejoli saling merengkuh tertawa, menggelinding jatuh menuju onak berduri di waktu senja. Maaf terucap, ketika pisau yang dipegang bidadari menghujam dada nestapa. Sang nestapa tersenyum hangat, sehangat darah yang mengalir dan terus merengkuhnya. Sang bidadari gesrek, dan sang nestapa sengklek. Kesekian kalinya pisau menghujam dada nestapa, Bidadari tau itu sakit, tapi entah kenapa kembali melakukannya, dan kembali meminta maaf. Sang nestapa hanya tertawa hahaha, dengan darah kembali hangat mengalir, menghangatkan dunia yang dingin penuh keluh kesah, gelap dan kesendirian yang nestapa. "Maaf".. Sang bidadari kembali berucap dan wajah penyesalan tiada taranya, pisaunya yang dia genggam semakin dalam menusuk dada sang nestapa. Sang nestapa dengan senyum hangat tersungging meraih dan merengkuh sang dewi dalam peluka

A dense air Heavy to breath Became a target Became a punch bag The beast is about to rise I am just smiled and pleased I'm hurt not because hurted by her I'm hurt because the way he treated her I have nothing to lose I can let it out and let it be free But I'm not allow it Let me the one who hurt only My love to her is so pure, bold and deep And today, I let my beast to sleep

New city New life New smile New talk New neighbor New laugh But leaving from a shadow is not that easy Sometime we just don't want to leave it and let it be No push, No hurry Understanding and be wisely I can see it clearly and its okay for me I will always be here in any shape you want me to be Beside... for me, you are my reason, one and only

Wake up with fresh new air At the first time of my morning Deep sleep with my bear Easy wake with moaning I say hi with no worry I say love with honestly I miss you like crazy I wake up with hope and shiny Bear playing around while I am working Sun rise in my left, telling me how beautiful first morning to be First day of new life First day of new beginning With you and me smiling Birds singing with a beautiful orchestra Yellow sunrise added some extra I am just thinking about you And i felt warmth just imagine on how I hug and kiss you What a beautiful first morning Hope someday we can be together soon without worry

Begerak Gemulai Membayangi Lekat Memikat Memabukkan Bayangan menari Kaburkan nestapa Bak surgawi turun ke bumi Mewakili keindahan Illahi Indah melayang Membuat asa terbang hangat sibak kelu di hati remuk redam kesendirian Berdegup jantung ingin mendekap Haus kerontang rindukanmu Raih bayangmu dalam kalbu Peluk dirimu penuh rindu Sejuta kata terungkap Tapa satu kata terucap Aku terombang ambing dalam badai Tersiksa namun mebahagiakan Menari dengan bayangmu Perih teriris rasa merindu Bilakah ini sebuah mimpi Ku tak ingin terbangun dan meratapi Sosok temaram meliuk indah Menghela nafas melihat lekukmu Terobek dada memecah Tak sanggup menahan rindu Apa yang harus kuperbuat? Tertutup mata, tapi masih kulihat bayangmu Kuremas dada hentikan degupan Meleleh hangat dari sela jari-jariku... lelehan hangat rasakan rasa ini untukmu Aku sesak! Kuhirup nafas sebanyak kubisa Aku berasa dalam hampa udara Berputar pusing pening di kepala Menahan kata yang tak boleh terucap ungkapkan rasa Indah Hangat S

I just about to celebrate my free With you, enjoy the nature and world to see Please don't think about die dear Since I still need you to life and be happy No need to ask me to die together Since without you, I don't think I can survive either I could die alone, old and lonely Or die soon in miserably Please don't die and hang on there my lady You are my reason and keep stay here Please be patience my love I am hugging you with my fear I love you so much dear.. And now I have nothing to think except to fear Fear that you gonna make it Fear that I will be lonely and sick without you here...

Every joy Every sorrow Every emotions That it flows All I can think is you Shared with you You, the one and only No one else that I want it to be From the whole world You are the one is enough for me Thank you And I love you I am sorry for others Not because you are forgotten But for a fragile man like me Its better to keep me safe and keep my precious one only

Defect imperfect Old easy to crack My head inside You know it already My heart hurts You feel it already You know what I will do You made me promise to not to do Before I am telling you Your hug and smile heal me too I am sorry for what I am But love just come by itself we can't defend I will do my best to be with you Just the way you do your best even i hurt you Thank you...

Hey, look up! Said with smile and bright Words being said Can't be heard and can only wait Hey, look up... Said with sad and cloudy Told about a story Can't be read and can't be seen Storms coming Dark and longing Can only smile and hear Those thunders and fear Days passing by Stories being told But history stay Those forgotten and I just surrender with smile

My red and white now colored in black My blue sky now is black My blue mountain is black Black by the chaos and crack Every direction I saw is black My breath is black My heart is black Black by the scream out loud I just want to tear my chest a part I scream out loud so loud till no one can hear it wtf When the earth will stop shaking When the red will gone from the night When the rocks stay put I'm so hurt and so fucked up I am so black

Been so long I haven't fight I almost forgot how my beast get caught Lowering my guard, break me a part I am so weak now, don't have any gut I eat my pride, the last treasure I have Only hoping its worth then stay nothing and be fucked up Blood from my wounds start to flow back I am just too weak to stop them and let myself cracked Stamp of the foot on my mouth I am just so damn weak to just talk Maybe I'm just too old to face that back All I can do just keep in mind that its her dog who bite I see to the sky, wind goes by I see to the past, but can't say good bye I lookup for peace by keeping my daughter accompany But she dispel me, she just too comfort with her own only Well, maybe its true.. I'm just too old for this shit Its better keep my mouth shout and do what is necessary Now I just enjoy how silence this day to be while watching the blood all over my rusty body I'm soo tired and weak I'm just too old just the way it should be I just can only smile a

Song can be heard, when closing your eyes and be quiet Sometime sad sometime full of joy But we are trying to be a duet And we are dancing with good oh boy Today my heart beats so fast Following the beat of the songs Songs of our life, the love and the clash But we kept dancing boldly nothing go wrong We hold each others, with blood all over We hug each others, with scars We keep dancing, with our broken wings hope for better We just keep smiling, though like in a bar Lonely, missing, loving, mixed to be a liquor of life And we drunk of it till sober You have your fight while i have mine too But I keep waiting here till seeing you How long this would be last? Will it be slow of fast? Just keep dancing babe.. Just keep dancing...

Today is so quite Hell of busy today for my soulmate Lucky seem the wind rides smoothly While I my own facing difficulty Today is so silence And so on days coming will happen But we both know the storms forming Keep building up wait till we are coming We did facing some of it now But I stated myself that I am not alone And also do hope you are too Since you have a difficulty too Ready or not, storm will coming And we both need to be strong If we can't be that strong, just sing As long as we are together nothing go wrong Today.. I smile I saw the wind blows the sky I can feel the silent of the day Hope we are ready dear, if not, just sing along and hug each other till end

There he is, stood up like a guardian My bear, keep me acompany at the gate of hell Time keep running while I am doing my plan But I know the beast awaken and I have ring my bell So many thought in my mind But can't write a single word for long time Time has over the nine And I still trying to be fine Suspicious, afraid, pesimistic and lonely Those feelings started to rampage my heart I know my beast awaken And I tried to not to be taken One by one of those friends I listed But none I send them the word I just want to be silence And tried to guard them not to be hurt I'm just so tired very tired Keep fighting this kind of things Things that I cannot shared All I can do just hug my dearest My guardian dark angel I know I can only dreaming With the wind whispering and calming

the fight of the will when we communicate and take care of some parts the fight of the will when she laugh and smile while I am stay still The fight of the will When her eyes swollen and I am tried to ignore The fight of the will When they talk and play together while I stay away Indeed there is fight of the will today And i am so tired but keep pushing myself away I have make up my mind, let's see who gonna win

The earth could be shaking the sky could be broken Tears could always flowing But it wont change a thing I love you so much dear and i cant stop this feeling.... Back to my seat with sweat all over from top to feet I just want you to know That I always love you No, I dont wanna be a hero I just come to you as a plain simple man who love you with lots of hurt and pain marked blue There is thorn a head so wtf? let's get through it! there is a big hole on our road So grab your hand, and fly over it with your wing damn it! There is a giant skeleton who block our way So grab my hand! and let me smash it with my sword! I have a broken wings, but you the one who have them now You have a broken fist, I am the one who have it now So what the fuck and march! (continue to packing my stuff)

I know you just trying to be strong for me I know I can't do anything to help you Except to trust you and you trust me And I am hugging you now while you hug me So yeah, I can finally moving my ass now While i kept thinking about you I can start to packing now And my mind keep occupied by you No, you are not all right just like me No I am refuse to give up Hope you can do like me Long road a head Can't be faced by laying my back on my seat With the pain of my body And the hurt in you and me I will keep walking... keep walking.. till my last drop of my blood to fight the happiness for you and me

I know we are in hardship I know your pain is deep I know you just want to stop breath But I will always be here Night so quite after we laugh But then the storm come and strike You slept with the tears But I will do my best to help you dear I know I can't help much with your struggle But you are not alone facing the obstacles Today the day is cloudy Hope tomorrow will be easy In this silent night I hold you Put you in my arms to comfort you I know its only in our mind Hope we can be together soon and we'll be fine I wish I could do more Put that burden on my shoulder Get you out from your horror And we will be happy forever But this is the reality dear But mark my word I will fight your fear Keep in mind that you are not alone Just we promised that we are bond I can't offer you anything except that I love you It's hard to see you like dying But I will always be with you

Kupikir seperti itulah hidup Berjuang untuk orang lain Berusaha diterima oleh orang lain Berusaha membahagiakan orang lain Kupikir akulah sang bijaksana Mengarahkan mereka yang nestapa Memperkuat mereka yang terperdaya Berusaha ada untuk mereka yang sengsara Kupikir aku memang seperti ini Ditakdirkan untuk orang lain Selalu merasa empathy pada yang lain Bahkan tidak ragu memberikan nyawa untuk mengganti Kupikir memang aku harus selalu mengalah Harus mengalah agar bisa mendpatkan senyumnya Harus mengalah agar keinginanku terpenuhi Harus mengalah agar bisa mendapatkan pelukan Bukan karena diinginkan, bukan karena dicintai Kupikir aku telah mengenal diriku seutuhnya Kupikir aku yang telah menjalani waktu Mengerti sepenuhnya akan diriku Mengerti sepenuhnya akan bipolarku Dan kotak pandora pun terbuka Oleh sang begawan bijaksana Selama ini aku terbelenggu Aku harus meninggalkan pendampingku Dan aku termangu... Terjawab sudah semua kelabu Dengan dark angel di

So.... I need to start over everything from zero. Years passed and just realized I was running and running from the real toxic source. Now I need to face it... Trying to be tough when seeing her tears, be careless and try to stop sacrificing myself just advised by my doc.... But its hard.... so hard... especially when you heard your daughter laugh... Feeling guilty... Feeling to be a bad man... Feeling sad... I felt don't have heart.. Every bad things can be heard echoing in my mind...I am fighting with myself... I just want to sit on the top of the hill... silence and feel my peace...

I wish I could do more Let me the one who take that burden from your shoulder I wish I could do more...

Terbangun seperti biasa... keheningan malam yang menenangkan, betapa sepi dan hanya bisa merengkuh bayang-bayang orang yang kita cintai dalam kalbu. Terbelenggu rasanya, mungkin sudah lelah dengan med, atau kegelisahan yang selalu tiba ketika akan ditinggal pergi, entah lah... Aku hanya merasa berburu dengan waktu dan aku tak sabar untuk menjalani prosesnya dan mengetahui akhirnya. Lelah sudah... Bilapun akhirnya yang kucintai pada akhirnya pergi, mungkin aku tak kan mencari lagi. Sudah cukup dan capai buatku melalu proses itu-itu lagi. Berusaha menyesuaikan, saling mengerti dan gak ketinggalan dong, saling melukai. Ya aku baru saja meminum med ku yang lain untuk atasi insomnia ku. Dan aku isi waktu dengan menulis tanpa jelas di pagi hari... dan hm... aku tak ingin tidur.. sangat tidak ingin, tapi logic said i need to sleep. Can we just have a good dream family or circle of friends who love each other and out of hate from this world? Why we need to go to a process like pemilu e

Ketika lidah kembali berbicara tajam, ketika mata selalu ingin tertutup, ketika badan berat untuk diangkat, ketika malas sangat melanda, ketika nafas berasa berat, ketika gairah tidak ada, ketika bicarapun tak lagi ingin, ketika hanya ingin terdiam dan merasa lelah... Aku tersadar... dia kembali menguasai diriku... pertahanan med sepertinya hancur berantakan, dan aku harus coba self management yang baik. Jangan ada lagi hati yang terluka, jangan ada lagi korban yang jatuh, jangan terjadi lagi yang terkasihi pergi, jangan adalagi luka tergores, kucoba kunci terakhir yang kudapat... pasrah... Tarikan nafas panjang, kupaksa otak ku kembali berjalan... Aku punya Dia yang Maha Kuasa, aku punya dark angel yang sangat kucintai, dan banyak orang yang mungkin peduli. Berhenti lari, harus segera diselesaikan dan dilewati. Dada berdenyut sakit, tapi aku yakin akan bisa terlewati. Hanya perlu bersabar sedikit saja... hanya sedikit saja... Ayok kaki, melangkah pelan... sedikit saja.. paling tidak j

Sebenarnya aku bingung harus mulai darimana menggambarkannya. Kadang maksud yang termaktub dalam sebuah tulisan bisa disalah artikan oleh seseorang tergantung keadaan hatinya. Dan yang lebih sulit lagi adalah, ketika kita ingin mengakui dan memberikan penghargaan kepada orang-orang yang sudah peduli kepada kita, tapi malah terjebak dalam pusaran yang rumit antara arti yang satu dengan arti yang lainnya, tergantung penafsiran orang yang membacanya. Persfektif, sebuah kata yang memang sederhana namun penting. Dan kadang hal yang indah malah menjadi pertarungan antara beberapa ego yang buat aku sendiri melihatnya menjadi sedih. Bila ku memilih diam, aku takut kehilangan mereka. Dan ketika aku berbicara, malah mendorong sebuah ketidak adilan bagi yang satu dan yang lainnya. Dan kadang apesnya, sasaran yang diharapkan malah diam seribu bahasa wkwkwkwk. Tapi itulah pernak perniknya dunia. Jangankan tulisan yang beralinea-alinea, sebuah twit dengan hashtag "cc #ayang" aja terlihat b

Udah pernah lihat film The Glass? Ketika "kepribadian" beast luluh dalam pelukan tulus kasih sayang yang berani dari Casey? Sebuah pribadi yang merupakan personifikasi kemarahan yang telah banyak memakan korban karena dibutakan oleh angkara... Udah pernah lihat film Justice League? Ketika Superman dibangkitkan dan dia terbangun dalam kebingungannya, meluapkan amarahnya pada semua, gelap mata dan tak tahu lagi jati dirinya. Luluh oleh sebuah pelukan yang berani nan tulus dari seorang Lois Lane. Badai yang berkecamuk seketika teredam dan dia menemukan kedamaiannya. Anda mungkin hanya bisa bilang lebay dan itu hanya ada di film saja. But not for me. Saya sering gelap mata ketika episode manic saya kambuh. Meledak-ledak dengan membawa korban yang banyak, bahkan darah orang lain dan kesedihan tak terperi sesudahnya. SElama ini tak ada yang berusaha meraih saya karena saking menakutkannya saya. Dan yang bisa menaklukkan saya waktu dahulu adalah sang ayah yang amat sangat saya c

Yup, hari ini topiknya mendengar... baik dari mereka yang menjenguk, dari angin yang berhembus, maupun dari teman serumah dan dari kekasih tentunya. Aku mendengar dan menghasilkan berbagai keputusan yang mungkin hanya bisa dimengerti oleh segelintir orang saja. Beberapa saat lalu, aku membaca di salah satu twit bagaimana salah satu netizen menyarankan yang ingin hidup bersama ODB yang diumpamakan olehnya sebagai "orang yang begini", itu harus pikir-pikir dulu. Memerlukan energi yang lebih dan supaya hati-hati. Memang terdengar biasa, tapi buat aku yang dikelompokkan sebagai orang yang "begini" dan harus hati-hati, hanya menambah jelas stigma bila yah emang faktanya ODB yang termasuk dalam mental illness lebih banyak nyusahinnya dan kalo bisa dijauhi. Untungnya, aku udah terbiasa untuk mendapatkan stigma itu, dari kecil, dari keluarga malah, apalagi dari orang lain. Sehingga ketika ada orang berbicara seperti itu, aku hanya bisa tersenyum dan menerima kodratku.

The hill is tiny With sparkling little lights down it With the funny comedy We celebrate the oath and happy This is almost midnight Tears from both of us flowing You take another oath from me Show me how you care for me Yes I have changed Yes I am different now But that bad cloudy always lingering And the oath help me to fighting I know I did hurt you And so you did to me But we both love each other And those love made our bond stronger We don't know what will happen at the future All I know everything gonna be all right as long we are together Thank you for loving me And thank you to understand me better then anyone around me Storm could come again Beast would soar again But I will remember my oath And will hold it to my last breath I love you...

Ketika hati ini terdiam, tiba-tiba semakin sulit untuk bersuara kembali. Dan ketika akan memulai berbicara, bermacam hantu kembali mendatangi dalam bentuk cemas, gundah, gelisah... Apakah ketika aku melihat beberapa pintu mulai tertutup, atau ketika aku menunggu dalam penantian. Gundah gelisah dan rasa takut... Takut melukai kembali, takut melangkah, takut mengecewakan. Dan akhirnya kembali sepi sendiri. Hmm... mungkin yah aku harus persiapkan diri untuk yang terburuk sehingga aku tak lagi merasa takut akan hantu-hantu itu bukan? Kembali kupakai kunci terakhir yang kutemukan, pasrah. Aku tahu keadaanku dan bisa memahami keterbatasanku. Bila pun pintu-pintu itu tidak pernah terbuka lagi, bilapun yang kunanti tiba dan aku tak bisa memberikan yang diharapkan, setidaknya aku telah berusaha menjadi diriku apa adanya. Dengan keterbatasanku. Inilah aku. Dan aku yakin, hantu-hantu itu akan selalu ada, setia menemani, baik ketika aku tersadar, maupun aku sedang tertidur. Apakah seperti in

Yup, aku rasakan perubahanku setelah aku mengetahui efek yang lain dari BDku... gw bener2 sangat tidak sempurna. Laki-laki yang tidak jantan dengan otak yang sengklek wkkwkwk. Aku hanya tersenyum dan menerima semua itu, yang akhirnya berujung kepada pasrah. Ternyata, dengan kunci baru ini, aku juga bisa menerima dengan senyuman ketika orang yang kita kasihi masih rindukan dia, cintai dia, khawatirkan dia. Dan sukurnya dengan rasa cinta yang besar dan pasrah, aku bisa menerima semua keadaan apa adanya. Well, mungkin aku bisa omong gitu karena BD ku under control... seperti kata dr Iwan, dia bilang dlm pertemuan terakhir kalo aku datang dalam kondisi yang parah dan fatal. Aku tidak lagi sama dengan yang dulu, dimana skrg penuh keterbatasan, tapi ya terima dan sukuri saja yang ada sekarang. Bukan berarti menghentikan med akan mengembalikan aku seperti dulu lagi. So yah.. Aku pasrah.. dan kuharap, kamu semua yang ada disana dan peduli padaku untuk tetap bersabar, baik dengan kondisim

Bukan aku tak mau bercengkrama di tengah rumah, tapi dorongan hati ini begitu besar untuk segera kembali ke depan laptop. Sebuah jendela ajaib yang menghubungkan duniaku dan duniamu. Sebuah jalan ajaib yang membuatku bisa melepas rinduku. tak mengapa kamu sedikit terucap, tapi aku menikmati setiap kata yang keluar dari mulutmu. Bahkan tanpa terucappun, aku merasa tak sendiri hanya dengan duduk disini, di tempat ini, setiap saat, setiap hari. Mungkin aku bisa saja menonton tontonan menarik hati, tapi hakikatnya aku hanya berusaha membenamkan dalam hati, keyakinan bila engkau ada di jendela ajaib disebrangku. Kamu dengan kegiatanmu sendiri, dan aku disini dengan celoteh, tontonan, doa dan keluh kesah rindu kelu dihati. Ah sayang... entah bagaimana lagi aku harus tunjukkan betapa dalam cinta ini... beberapa kali aku berusaha diam dan menyelami. Menurut tulisan para pujangga dengan embel-embel jurnal dan beberapa pendekar ODB di youtube, cara membedakan manik dengan rindu sejati adalah den

I may far away from you But trust me, I am hugging you Hope you can sleep tight And my present can calm you Watching you slept dear Through magic mirror Hope my image dear Drive away evils around you Sweet dream my lovely My heart ache while you are uneasy Cold morning coming dear Hope you can feel the warmth without body I love you more then love Hope my love warmth enough to hug you

Yes, I got problem with my head both head actually now But what can say? Its who I am The past been proved are true I'am just the way they told me too But Its okay Its who I am :) So, If i became "welcome" on your mat Being spit and step on Its okay too Its who I am Worry not and don't get me wrong I am proud of who I am Grateful for what I am If its time for you to leave, just leave I'm not the subject of your simpathy And I wont hold you to keep beside me Its okay :) I know who I am :)

There was a sand castle From little tinny To up high like a hill With waves keep hitting it, make it no castle at all Some said it becomes a coral reef Other said it becomes simply sand But one thing for sure Many creatures living and enjoy happily on it One come and go many times Sand castle always the same Thought storm nor bright day come Its always the same Only few who know it few who see it few who understand it It was a sand castle, hit by the waves many times Sea is its tears the wind is its breath sound of the waves is its heart And the joy of creature playing on it, is its happiness Without them... There is no sand castle at all

My beast was lose And I hurt anyone who close It's my habbit To make your pain deep Hurt is done And it can't be undone I'm sorry To make you all in misery Now you know the risk How nasty I am could be Few who can bear me Few who can reach me I am sorry too for those who insist beside me and thank you to understand me V'z whfg ab bar...

Dear Blog, Loe tau? Udah lama banget gw gak merasakan rasa yang senikmat ini. Angkara yang meledak-ledak, kepasrahan yang membuat jagat membuat antidotenya untuk berontak secara brutal. Kursi yang melenting kutendang tanpa ada alasan memberikan kepuasaan. Atau si kuma yang tiba2 seperti melihat monster dan lari tunggang langgang ketika aku berjalan mendekatinya muahahahahah. Ya gw, si angkara murka sedang berkuasa dan aku membiarkannya. Aku muak dengan segalanya, aku murka bagai angkara sang dasamuka yang sukar terbendung tapi menikmatinya. Terbangun dari tidur, jongkok berusaha menahan letupan emosi yang akhirnya meletup dalam tendangan ninja tak berbayang, "ciaaaat", dan kursi kecil melenting tanpa alasan dan aku tersenyum sinis dengan puas. "Kau tidak ada apa-apanya kursi!" dan sang istri pura2 tidak melihat dan berusaha menjaga jarak, berpura-pura tidak ada apa-apa seperti biasa. Fuck you, who care. Kuhela gas motor sekuat yang kubisa, sayang motor bobrok u

Dear blog, Iya ini gw, gak pake english2xan, grammarnya ngaco, susah pula bikinnya. Kebetulan lagi capek juga mo mikir, iya, mikir aja udah capek, gimana mo melakukan hal yang lebih serius lainnya? Padahal makan med udah, sampe mulai bosen makan med, tidur tetep kali ini susah, gak tau resepnya dirubah lagi jangan2.. Berasa jadi kelinci percobaan.... Si dewa penolong yang gw sangat berbahagia ketika bertemu pertama kali dengan beliau, kok lama2 tingkahnya membosankan seperti ucapan template robot yang gitu-gitu aja. But well, gpplah kek template robot juga, paling gak gw bisa rasain kok how care he is with my situation. Jangankan elo2 pada yang mungkin serba salah ma orang kek gw, mungkin si abang dokter juga lama-lama serba salah ma gw. Atau bisa jadi kucing gw juga serba salah ma gw, atau laptop gw juga kalo bisa punya perasaan mungkin bisa aja serba salah ma gw. Jadi ya sebetulnya yang salah ya gw sendiri, dengan otak sengklek alias gesrek kombinasi dengan super sensian amit-amit

What should I do if I tired of living?

Numb Dunno what to do My heart is fine No sad or beat up or nothing But I'm so lonely I called the one that I love Ofc she is the first one that I think of But surely its not the right time Less then a minute and off Called my mom She instantly talking Everything I'm just listening And off.. I started to sad and looking who I need to call I am thinking if I stand up on the bridge Jumping to the river, will He forgive me? Ofc no... If I am in hell, will it forever? Hm... My heart is fine, no hurt or anything.. But cutting my vein in my hand seem interesting One last call To the tree of wisdom She surprised, she said she is working with her colleague in her home I just want to hear her voice i said Less then a minute and off So well... Dear blog To you I share my burden again With my  bear keep trying to stay around me I just dont know if my med work on me Its not a poem, its only phrases divided to several blocks Silly I am, wishing to make a

When I only talk to one And she just silence I felt drifted to space Flying without gravity Except that the empty is not the air The empty is here inside When you miss her so much And you can't do anything except wait An astray dog like me Can't expect more except mercy But don't get me wrong I am happy with this only Can you imagine when your wet fur touched by the hand of the beauty? Can you imagine when you are in hungry a beautiful one feed your hungry? Can you imagine when you re in cold, a beautiful one hug you tightly? I can't expect more... This already to good to be true I knew i am lonely I knew I am missing her daily But one thing I asked to the One and Only Please don't wake me up from this dream and make it reality V'z whfg ab bar..

Known as Tree of Wisdom Turn out now its dried No inspiration Still live but almost down I came to the tree But the tree is no difference like me Except that its still perfect and beautiful While I am damaged, old and always misunderstood Keep stay still and be patience is not my style I felt like loosing the will But I do confuse too I have no clue and dunno what to do There should be a way to hack our life to a better way I love her so much I need to break the ice and out from my comfort hive Come on brain, think! God damn! Think brain think! I know you got defect But I don't care! Think! V'z whfg ab bar...

With dogs in both of us Its a matter of seconds we hurt each other Our love tested, our love heal it And we are sorry each other We should admit our road is rocky Not as easy like common ppl should be Can't openly express our love Cant openly say the world how our love One or two who know it is good enough Then nothing at all, right? We should fight more to have Our happiness that we are wanted so much Thanks for the prayer to the wind goes by Thanks to everyone who wishing us great day With love as our foundation that we kept to fight Hope we can overcome any challenges a head The worst part is when we miss each other Can't do nothing except look each other Saying how we love each other Still can't lesser the pressure inside on how much I love her Hufh... daily routine that maybe bored for everyone who read But it motivate us to move forward and ready for our goal a head From the time I opened my eyes I miss her.. I love her.. and hope I am not

Rain falling so heavy Make the Sunday morning not easy But I felt so warmth inside Laying on my thick fur of my beast We yawn each other only one small emoticon given from her but its worth then anything I do love her The which's liquour taking into actions i am flying high to the heaven I kept pushing to write my words though all I can think of is I love her Thanks for the wind, devil, bear, or anything who company me I am just happy that you are here with me While i staring to her peace face of my sleepy dark angel I will do my best motivated by your dream to keep forward and fight the hell V'z whfg ab bar

Its not tequila that I am crave of it Its only a simple recipe from the witch My head spinning and dizzy My body stumble upon occasionally Yesterday break down point me something I'm not ready and too rush face the world openly I dunno if I can make it, but a fighter like me refuse to stay still I will find another way to make it I heard voices whispered by the wind I heard sorry with cried from long lost friend What is done is done dear I just smile and look up challenges a head dear It took whole day to recover Talking to strangers is not easy like other Most people think its a progress For me its freaking me out like facing a beast I wont stay still I will fight to have my happiness with my dark angel beside I love her so much I will do my best to keep her safe and bright V'z whfg ab bar

Thought I am ready Talk to the world lovely It was an easy chat with my best friend But end up I cried worry at the end I dunno if its so hard to open again Only to hear his suggestion, it made me tremble Only to imagine talking to others, I'm shaking What happen to me?  I just don't know me anymore So, what next then? If simple words already hurt me Its not about prestige or dignity Its about me who is like a bundle of meat Easy to bleed Waiting for extinct What should I do then If I'm not ready to face the world? "99% business can be succeeded by facing the people", he said So, am I already fail? What will happen to me if everyone leave me? What will happen to me if I only a burden for everyone near me? At least now you or me understand, why I or other leave each others Its better to be alone then hurt each others So now dear my Dark Angel... If someday you have a better one Just leave me and I will be okay As long as you are happy

"Mi, I want this to be over...", I said. "What do you mean to be over?", she said "I want to die..." "Well, don't die here, just go to Palestine there", she said. I shocked and wandering.. "What do you think? Do you think I just go there and smack Israeli Soldier and wait till they shoot me?" "Well, at least you will have syahid over there...." Her answer.. I dunno why made me so useless... "But syahid mean we did jihad, has purpose and died when we fight for it. If we don't have any goal, just go over there and smack on Israeli's soldier, its just an act of stupidity, what is the different with I cut my hand here?" And the conversation continues on topic of Islamic martyr... "So.. I am not important for you?" She seem not ready with this question, and she answered, "well, your daughter needs you". "So you don't need me, only need my money?", she just laugh.

He made his ritual Dancing la la la He said I am okay And I'm too la la la He mixed a liquor In his big bowl With his happy song Singing that I am okay But it seem he lied something That he doesnt want me to hear His new formula Made me sleeping WTF, does he want me to be a sleeping beauty? Where a prince come and kisses my lips then I can wake up? God damn, i don't wanna be a gay! But well, I kinda enjoy it, everything looks blur and fly And I kept dancing la la la V'z whfg ab bar

I knew you are always around I can't touch yet can't talk But you do know I love her so much Does it really matter? When the wind blow pass through like lightning? Sure did really matter Since the kite wont fly without Dear Wind I am glad you still touching my cheek While I am still waiting for her The one that I love so much Indeed she hurt me Indeed her love is not it used to be But what can I say I love her so much A volcano sometime erupts An ocean has its tsunami A wind has its tornado A bee has its sting I do understand all And hope others understand me That I love my dark angel so much Just like my bear now who keep persistent to jump on my lap V'z whfg ab bar

I though I wont missing you After I hug you How come I still missing you When I hold you in my arm I can smell your hair And feel the warmth of your skin How come I still missing you And my heart still blue I look at your image now Here in my mind How come I still missing you Somebody pour on my wound with sand I am tortured by loving you And I am addicted with it How come I still missing you And I dunno what to do Your lips are sweet Your breath like fresh morning Your heart beat calm me down Your eyes made me warmth I still remembered all How come I still missing you? V'z whfg ab bar

Doc said I'm better now I nod and smile If he knew in the inside He would surprise what I hide I am still take a heavy breath sometime I am still missing her sometime I am still feeling lonely sometime I still go that tremor sometime I am so missing her all the time I am afraid to loosing her most of the time lol But well, I knew who I am Its just a miracle the fact that she still care I will just stay here with care Cause I love her, what can I say V'z whfg ab bar

When the heart stop talking When the hand stop to write When the brain stop to think Cause of the darkness of the shit thing Cloudy day ahead I knew Your wings destroyed and you are so low I would lend my wings for you Too bad mine are broken too But one thing for sure dear I will do my best for you Cause if you destroyed I will be destroyed too I know i cant do much I know that shit thing is hard But I wish we could survive And you could fly again high V's whfg ab bar...

Yes.. I managed to survive... And yes I ve been saved again.. She was known by me, but yet she is different With her red hair she burns the world With her sharp eyes she slain the heart with her teeth she bites so cruel With her words she is so nasty Cloudy became bright Rainy became sunny With the warmth she offer And chaos when she is in furry Strike from the arrows, right through my heart Make me stunning and fall a part This is so beautiful sight She is so ignorant but yet show loving art She came when I am falling down No matter she tried hard to hurt me I am still falling to her heart down But she is no more the Angel She just the dark angel after all Once my devil told me, "its me to figure it out what love that I felt to her" And at the end, I knew I cant stop loving her The feeling when you want to sacrifice anything for her The feeling that you are willing being hurt for her The feeling that as long she is happy, i am happy too I am tog

Welcome back dear my old friend Been very long time I miss you so much I am very glad that you came Though I have emotion no more Though my heart was blunt Turn out I still can feel you The warmth from the blood that burst from my wound Yes I know my place And yes I know where I belong Yes I know I'm the one who sick And yes I know I'm the one who seek I am happy dear Come my sadness Make my face warm with the tears I hug you tight the hurt and fear Good bye the light on sun rise Good bye the light on sun set I knew from beginning Its just another dream, just like it used to be V'z whfg ab bar...

Everyone loves her With her shiny beautiful face With her friendly lovely heart Taking care all creatures around her Everyone loves her With her shiny brain With her boots and whip Got so many fans around her While me just the unknown No one and no exist Push ppl to the surface While I'm still hide without face But worry not I don't care with my existence As long as I have my purpose I will just keep march and be a bos With a broken wings With my dried blood all over the body Sword in my hand and hole in my chest I used to be not to be seen Too tired to be acknowledged   Let them all to hurt and leave me V'z whfg ab bar...

Dear God, the One and All Mighty My stomach so hurt But not the stomach that put me in agony The stomach that make my heart almost dying Dear God, the One and Only I know I am just no one and lot of sins Please allow me to just to be lonely and take away this feeling Dear God, the King of all kings Let my dark angel be happy With whatever path she wanna be Please take care of her and don't let her sorry Dear God, the Only One that I Worship I am begging you to make me stop loving her So I don't need to be worry of anything will happen to her And not to be jealous for anyone who is with her And for my devil I know I have made her upset Please let her finish any obstacles a head And hope Your blessing always with her V'z whfg ab bar...

My stomach in pain I dunno why it made my heart pain more Stiff on my back I dunno why it made my heart pain more The silence of both I dunno why it added to my pain I did mistakes I dunno who i am Afraid to write Afraid to do anything The Friday is end I am so sad I'm still living V'z whfg ab bar...

Today is Friday My stomach hurt so much last night, and do hope I die Today is Friday Sleep is hard and I pray that I die Today is Friday I was so happy to know this day I could be rest in peace And leave all of the pieces Too bad I am still live I am too tired to make together all the pieces V'z whfg ab bar...

A beautiful flower asked for protection from a defected ant An ant that has half of his head and ugly as fuck The ant like having a dream Ofc it welcomes the flower inside its home But it realize who is it anyway Compete with beautiful bee and butterfly that can fly? How come a defected weirdo ant like it can protect the flower Against those perfect bee and butterfly who want the flower? Let alone to protect the flower The ant itself hard to take care its own The defected ant thought can be safe under the flower's thorn But how come it can protect the flower from the threat while its just a clown? Love for the ant is like a dream For having someone beside him is just a myth it seem The ant tried to explain to the flower and the flower just push it to the corner The ant knows where its belong Its just a matter of time the flower will say good bye and so long An ant that has half of his head and ugly as fuck Wanting to has someone beauty like others jus

I had a house with the angel who saved me She has another, burnt the house to the ground and i almost lost everything I survived, but years with humiliation I then have a new house again with another angel who saved me She has another one but don't want to let me go. She burnt the house, and I am in a big debt and felt in very filthy community I survived, with broken helmet, my jaw miss located, saved several times by those who care when I am bout to jump to the valley I then have a new house, the most shiny then any other house I did a mistake, she left me for other I survived, with hand got cut... I then have a same house, still shiny and i love her still She left me again, for the same person i survive, with bruise and blue in my hand Then now, I have a same house, still shiny and i love her still, but got the rule inside, its possible she left me if he ask for her. Also its possible to to have her thirsty filled by other if I can't give it to her. All not

I will just smile But not now I'm so happy in my place The place where I belong The place that I used to be I am missing that lonelyness I am missing that hurt I am missing that pain And I have it all now Let me just enjoy it for a while In the corner V'z whfg ab bar...

When a tadpole want to be a frog It needs to wait When a cocoon want to be a butterfly It needs to wait When a grass need to be a rice It needs to wait When an egg need to hatched It needs to wait I wish could kill the time So i don't need to wait... V'z whfg ab bar...

The Mountain is always cloudy No matter how hard I try, I cant make it happy Doubt always can be seen For all the things it did and sins I would love to put myself to the ground if I have too Together with you to walk through I am hoping that you trust me That I wont leave you beside me The mountain stood there with agony Trying to keep the burden by itself and it hurt me But no worry dear, I will climb it Spit your lava and rocks to me, I will do my best to keep you company V'z whfg ab bar...

Loosing my hand Who care?! Loosing my mind Who the fuck care?! They said help please I help them They said come here right away I did my best to run I fall down Sweating Tired Sick Fever Hurt but.... WHO CARE! Please do this do that come on please put that That bull can do this, why this bull can't? I drawing and put the picture on the big fuckin wide big poster but WHO CARE?! Don't you all see that I defend whole world from rain of meteors and aliens and I still doing my best for all of you?! but.... WHO CARE?!!!

March to a battle field Win it and have a glory Save your beloved one or enemy Trying your best to not empty Hard you try Finally you die Became part of the shadow Gone by the wind that blow to the sky

There is a house that so pretty Lots of laugh and sunny So many sun light inside And the color all grey The wall is blue and white With the bear plays run and hide With its round eyes sparkling And the grey shadow around it The grass so green The smell so good Birds fly high at the sky of blue In the world so crowd and grey for sure The grey is there But you can't see it in the eyes the grey is there Inside of heart that dark, cold and blue V'z whfg ab bar...

Shaking Sweating Hard to breath Hard to think Hurt to the body Hurt to the mind Hurt to the heart Hurt to my stomach My body start to refuse what I am telling My head hurt and spinning My bear suddenly coming Calm me down and make me resting I want to rest... But not now.. I need to go home She is waiting... Not now... V'z whfg ab bar...

When you are dancing I just smile When you are bitching I just smile When you are hurt I just smile When you are thwart I just smile When you are angry I just smile When you leave me I just smile when you asked me to hate you I just can't When you asked why I just smile You maybe need me dear But I need you more We don't know what will happen dear But will always be here with smile for you V'z whfg ab bar...

Though I will be okay after I got my med But I'm not okay I need to deal with it everyday With the love one and the one that I care Fighting for life once in lifetime is all right Fighting for life everyday is something else Its hard when you are alone to see the day so bright Especially when the beast act its best I am so grateful to have an angel and devil The one that I love and care so much There is no one that can give or deal It is the hug of life Thank you for being there for me my devil Thank you for coming back to me my angel V'z whfg ab bar..

Storms in another form Gotta face them on and on Lucky the beast can be tamed Or else I will be ashamed I tried to cover in one shelter Keep moving around to another shelters Hope there will be no disaster I need all of them to recover Every shelter has its own uniqueness That I need them to face the madness But I do afraid loosing any of them And put me in the vortex of confusion Oh dear oh dear I remember your hugs dear I want to keep all of them The warmth that I don't want to be forgotten V'z whfg ab bar...

I know I should sleep now, but I am afraid my beast act weird tomorrow, but this moment is too bad to be forgotten, so I have a peace now with my beast (hi beast lol). I got a good feeling after watching "Instant Family". And I better to write this down now. Everyone has their own obstacles in their life, just like my devil's said few minutes ago, everything has its own reason. Also with the angel who just come down with different shape of her and greets me, she said maybe that's how universe work. I don't know how the future looks like, but I am very grateful at the end we made a peace with our hurt, pain and the past. I am not sure if tomorrow i will be back to dark, cold and blue again, but at this moment, for those of you who has bipolar, just don't give up. At the end you will have those people who will be there for you when you need them most. Don't think too much hard, just like my devil's said, just trying to survive day by day. And I pro

I forgot this is weekend Most everybody hangout with their friends I have my friends too the beast inside, stomach and body that unwell too In few hours, mostly I will just wasting my times Selecting many movies that end up non to see, shame Last Sunday beast defeated me Almost cut my hand with the scissors and made me hit the wall beside me But this Saturday, pressure started to climbing I felt at the end, I am became toxic for everyone and i'm just nothing lol, no wonder everyone always leaving Its so funny really, so funny till i can't laugh and do anything I took my meds, so don't you worries And beside, the doc gave me plenty of sleeping pills Too bad he doesn't give me the cure of loneliness  V'z whfg ab bar...

After I think about it, maybe I am I'm not man of steel Strong is not my power Super sensitive it is With this super power I help many ppl Some of them know me Some are not Just like other super heroes They have their own villains Me too, I got it I have a beast and all the time fight it What about my weakness? I think love it is like a krypton Those all the facts If I'm not being used, I will be tortured and live like a suck And I am also like them I can't afford someone too close If not, my enemy will see it And they will hurt it Now I can understand who I am May be I am one of those super heroes Helping ppl around and broad But also always lonely on the road But maybe I'm just a toxic man, where any creatures touched by me became suffer I m just one of the villains Who tried hard to kill love inside But its too beautiful to be killed and made me suffer all the time V'z whfg ab bar...

Taken a long journey Bouncing around Hours to hold on For a simple hug And wake up from my dream Back to reality Struggling hard to remember good memory The warmth of that simple hug is one of the reason to keep me survive Believe me.. its not that easy When you think over it, it just drive me crazy I want you to keep lay on my chest I want your hand feel the beat of my heart Back to reality Those simple things help me to survive For others its just a hug For me, its a hug that worth to fight for, it is the hug of life Back to reality... I can feel the wound start to bleeding again.. My energy drained out I just want to close my eyes and hope can meet you in my dream Just a simple hug... I don't ask for more... I am begging God... Give me once more.. V'z whfg ab bar...

When you are gone Time like a decade Together Time runs so fast Together Everything seem to be normal When you just leave Something is not right Tiny hurt felt inside So tiny but make me take a deep breath Just be grateful for what I got Hope the warmth will last not short

This is what I felt also... :(

I have a spare time and need to keep me busy, so I wrote this. I am not good English speaker so apologize for the grammar. See Us as a Person We can't just introduce to everyone with, "Hi, I'm bipolar", no we can't do that. No matter how frequently you remind us that it’s okay not to be okay, stigma will always be there. See us as a person first who has bipolar. We Are Not Using Bipolar as an Excuse You are wrong if you think that if I can't do this and that or if you direct us something that I can't do, I use bipolar as an excuse. What I felt with pain and hurt is real just the way it is. Its serious threat and sometime I do so close to cut my veins or just give up on my motorcycle to let it go. Just a side note, a dangerous thing for bipolar motorist is that when we having our manic, we could ride our vehicle as fast as we could because we are so confident and happy. And for those who has "rapid swing" like me, it’s a matter of second

courtesy of vitorassis88 Heart in my hand Red all over it I squeeze it hard But I can't scream or cry Pain i can feel I don't think I can reach you I kneel down with my broken wings I am a demon with no will Don't you know that I miss you? I need someone to talk too? I asked to my shadow Which nothing it can do I will just wait for my devil with smile and scars on my face I put my heart inside my chest I sew it with my hair Crawling to the corner of my cave To the dark place where I belong I bend my knee and lay my head Waiting till the end time coming V'z whfg ab bar...

Sit down on the front of my cave I can hear my own breath I can see her silhouette I talk and hear my voice back Rain falling front of my cave I can hear it crystal clear from the inside I can see the shadow moving Its the shadow of what I'm doing The ice started to freezes I talk so much to break it It shows the stone behind it I can hear echo of my voices I lookup the sky expect for nothing I look inside the cave to see nothing I wait someone to say something What I can hear is the beat of my heart shouting I will just lay on here Wrap my body with my own hand Imagine warmth spread to my body In the middle of heavy rain V'z whfg ab bar...

Walking in the dark at 2AM When I can't sleep and forgot who I am Thought I have dealt with my madness The fact is I still haunted by loneliness Walking in the dark at 2AM The bear wake up and make me calm With his purr and warmth hair I can felt and see his care Walking in the dark at 2AM Nothing on my phone and my laptop the same The night so silence and peace I sleep again and hope can rest in peace Turn out I still alive I am grateful for anything I have Now just starting the day With hope the devil say hi V'z whfg ab bar...

Hurt still can be felt But not that much anymore I understand my purpose reached I don't need you anymore At the first time its like me who need you End up we need each other But your wings now has been fixed You can fly above heaven no need to worry me anymore I will now continue my journey With the beast and devil beside me I keep praying to the God Hope He always love you just like used to be If you miss me, just come down sometime I will always here on earth where I belong Thank you for everything you have done You have nothing to sorry and so long My wings are still broken Wounds healed, but the marks still there I am starting to walk again With smile and scars on my face Come devil, time for you and me to dance We will see where is it to be end V'z whfg ab bar...

My future is gone My dream is gone My plans are gone My projects are gone Live happy forever ever after is gone My apartment is gone My over sea beach is gone My warmth hug is gone Everything that I like is gone My will of live is gone I only have hope Hope that I sleep and never wake up again V'z whfg ab bar...

It used to be beautiful But not today The songs that I always listen Only digging more hurt today Every memory related to her Seem to be dark now The pain in the morning really bother Made me suffer and low But I managed to survive Listen to the new songs Trying my best to not remember her Everything about her seem to be wrong The new songs calm me down Make me sleepy and want to fall down Hope I can sleep And no need to wake up again and weep Who do you think will call me in the morning With heavy pressure and boring I can understand it all Its a miracle if there are someone dare to call V'z whfg ab bar...

So, new victim just falling In this Monday morning I give a big blow to those who care Make them silence and can't bear I knew everyone tired of me At the end they will leave me I am tired to myself too I wont blame you I lost my will on anything now I just lost my breath and soul I take my med that seem to useless now I can't walk and can only to crawl My logic said that you, you and you Always be there for me But I am sorry to you Somehow I destined to be lonely I wish this day end faster Just the whole world end too I am just too tired With no hope at all V'z whfg ab bar...

Finally my body can't handle it I am break down and so weak My failure keep haunted me I have failed to protect the precious for me Lie after lie, I can bear with it But when I heard you cried, It hurts me Your cry keep lingering in my mind I wish I could make it in time I hate myself then ever Lucky that I have no power I know its your choice We can turn back the time no more On my bed felt my fever I kept thinking what I have done to you Is this your punishment dear? After all the things I did to you? I am sorry for things I have done Till I deserve this kind of punishment The pain is unbearable Can only smile and hope it will be over No I wont give up I will keep my promise I wont stop breathing I still can help you after life I can only lay on my bed now And can only smile I put my trust to the hope now And those who still want me alive Soon I will meet my devil To make sure its real Soon I will meet my Maker To do my final deal V'z w

Your kids are not real Your wife are not real All seem so far away and I can't be heal The only real thing you can feel is the loneliness that you can't deal The feeling that you just want to give up Expecting a real hug that you will never have The loneliness that torture you rise up Keep finding the reason to stay alive Less people want to bear it At the end you felt that you need to face it alone I got bipolar and I accept it Hitting the wall just to make me not down Who can understand how painful it is The feeling that crush your will of live No wonder everyone at the end leave Hard to understand for me why they insist to make me alive Years ago I can make it to stay alive When I am about to stop my breath Now I felt more easy to do so But I tried my best to hold your words You said you do care fore me So, Im staying alive to make your care important for me Will it be enough to make me survive? The hurt still there, but for now I think its enough V'z whfg ab bar...